It’s been quite the journey since we last saw you.
I doubt you’ve ever read anything I’ve sent you, but I made a point a while back, that is very relevant now.
Life has a way of teaching us the lessons we need to learn, and we’ve had lots more revelations recently.
I don’t know whether you took onboard anything I tried to communicate with you about dyslexia – or whether you were too wrapped up in calling the police that you dismissed it all.
Anyway, in case you have even an ounce of curiosity about why things are currently the way they are – then I strongly suggest you look at the issue of neurodivergence in more detail.
If you already have, then you might already be aware that it’s worth getting assessed for ASD and/or ADHD.
If you haven’t, you might want to fill in a referral form, as the current waiting time is 30 months.
I had already begun to explore the idea that I might have ADHD in 2022, but kind of forgot about it because – well you’re well aware of what happened.
Fortunately, I did make a referral at that time, and my formal assessment will be soon.
Furthermore, your sisters are neurodiverse.
You are neurodiverse.
I’d even go as far as to say that your ‘partner’ is neurodiverse and has been masking since the day we first met her and probably way before then.
I’d even be so bold as to say that her interest in studying psychology and being a therapist has very little do do with empathy for other people, but much more to do with gaining as much information about neurotypical behaviour as she can so that she can blend in.
I don’t think it’s too much of a reach to say that she may well know you are both neurodivergent.
I’m sure that it will all come out in the wash in the end.
Remember your letter?
The day you came to my home and attacked me.
You ripped off the mask.
I don’t think I was looking at the person you really are.
I was looking at an angry young man, who has spent a lifetime being misunderstood.
Why didn’t I see it coming?
Because it’s now quite obvious that I’m a person with autistic traits.
These things are hereditary and they are certainly not a bad thing.
We need more people in the world that think differently.
Sadly, undiagnosed neurodivergence does cause very complex mental health issues.
Is there anyway I could have known, firstly about myself, or about any of my children being neurodiverse until now.
Certainly not when you were a child.
No one was aware of these things.
How is it relevant to the story?
I have always put my issues down to my experience as a child.
To some degree, those issues did have an impact.
As a parent I tried to correct as many of those issues as I could so you could have the most positive experience I could give you.
So, why did the cycle continue?
Because there was a huge piece of the puzzle missing.
One that couldn’t be fixed.
It needed to be acknowledged and understood – not fixed.
If I had of realised how traumatic it was to encourage you to be more neurotypical – then I obviously would not have done it.
I am not the only parent who has spent their entire journey encouraging their children to fit in, have friends and do well.
Many are still using this strategy.
This is largely what society tells us to do.
In reality, neurodiversity has only just hit the mainstream now.
It is in this decade that parents are understanding neurodiversity.
We are now on a very different journey about understanding the unique and individual needs of neurodiverse children and supporting them in a world that wasn’t designed for them.
If you were the same age as your sisters, I would be getting a diagnosis for you.
Seeing as you are quite clear you don’t need my help, then the ball is very much in your court.
How can I be so sure?
Well, having spent the best part of a year in therapy and analysed every single part of myself, it paints an interesting picture.
When all those dots are joined together – they map out several different neurodiverse conditions, but the most prominent being ASD.
This isn’t a way of absolving myself of any responsibility for anything I have said or done that may have upset you.
However, not knowing I was neurodiverse, most definitely made being a parent more challenging.
As a parent with ASD it was more difficult to read and understand social cues that I hadn’t been exposed to previously.
This was made even more difficult, as I suspect you were internalising your neurodiverse traits.
That doesn’t make anything your fault. I never thought anything was your fault.
However, when we internalise our neurodiversity, we can very quickly spiral into negative thinking which in turn can cause depression and anxiety.
There is a ton of information on the internet now about neurodiverse traits, which simply wasn’t there when you were growing up.
Any google search I did 15 years ago, led me to conclude you were just a typical teenager.
When I have reflected on my experience of you as a tween/teen and do those same searches now, the results are very different and may have led me to a very different conclusion.
I did my best with the knowledge and awareness that I had at the time, but for reasons only known to you, you don’t appreciate that.
I literally could not have known about our neurodivergence until now.
Until your sister, has to go into a school with over 2 thousand children in and is so overwhelmed and anxious that she physically can’t do it.
While I’m genuinely sad for the experience you have had, I have apologised enough.
You clearly think I wasn’t a good enough Mum for you, and I’ve accepted that you feel that way.
As upsetting as it all is, I have accepted that I will not see you again.
The glass has to be half full, so I’m grateful for the lessons we have learned.
