I’m sorry I didn’t tell you we were going to try for another baby.  I get that this hurt you, but to be honest I don’t think I knew how to tell you.  Our lives are so different, I wasn’t sure how you’d take it or that you’d be happy for me.

I’ve really wanted to talk to you about it when you found out, but I know you’ve got a lot on right now.

Ignoring me isn’t helping anyone though.

It’s been really hard not having you around.  Having you as a friend has meant a lot to me over the years and I never thought we’d fall out.  I thought it was unconditional.  I reckoned we’d still be meeting up with our zimmer frames for a glass, who am I kidding, it would be a bottle of Merlot and sweet chilli nuts in years to come.

I still don’t really understand what’s happened.  Some women don’t even tell their partners they’re trying for a baby, let alone their friends.  

When you stopped talking to me it felt cruel, like I’m no good to you anymore because I can’t do the things we used to do.  It really hurt.  

You weren’t the only one having a tough time.  Work was hard trying to fit back in after my maternity leave.  It felt like you were distancing yourself from me too.  I felt like I didn’t have anyone to talk to anymore.  I felt so isolated.

Everyday got harder and harder.  I felt so ill when pregnancy hormones started raging.  I spent every night in tears, not knowing how to fix things.  I couldn’t sleep, I felt sick and I was starting to worry for the baby.

It seemed the more upset I became, the less you cared.  I can’t remember the last time you asked me if I was ok.  I didn’t recognise you any more.  It felt like you were watching me crumble, as if standing at the edge of the school playground.  

I’m sorry I wasn’t the perfect friend and that I didn’t get everything right, but I didn’t deserve this.  I wish you’d of valued me enough to try and work this out, but I guess that’s not going to happen.  I guess things change.  I really wish they hadn’t, we’ve shared so much over the years and I would have always been there for you regardless of husbands or babies.  I’d have always made room for you too.


Moving on 


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