I’m sorry I didn’t tell you we were going to try for another baby. I get that this hurt you, but to be honest I don’t think I knew how to tell you. Our lives are so different, I wasn’t sure how you’d take it or that you’d be happy for me.
I’ve really wanted to talk to you about it when you found out, but I know you’ve got a lot on right now.
Ignoring me isn’t helping anyone though.
It’s been really hard not having you around. Having you as a friend has meant a lot to me over the years and I never thought we’d fall out. I thought it was unconditional. I reckoned we’d still be meeting up with our zimmer frames for a glass, who am I kidding, it would be a bottle of Merlot and sweet chilli nuts in years to come.
I still don’t really understand what’s happened. Some women don’t even tell their partners they’re trying for a baby, let alone their friends.
When you stopped talking to me it felt cruel, like I’m no good to you anymore because I can’t do the things we used to do. It really hurt.
You weren’t the only one having a tough time. Work was hard trying to fit back in after my maternity leave. It felt like you were distancing yourself from me too. I felt like I didn’t have anyone to talk to anymore. I felt so isolated.
Everyday got harder and harder. I felt so ill when pregnancy hormones started raging. I spent every night in tears, not knowing how to fix things. I couldn’t sleep, I felt sick and I was starting to worry for the baby.
It seemed the more upset I became, the less you cared. I can’t remember the last time you asked me if I was ok. I didn’t recognise you any more. It felt like you were watching me crumble, as if standing at the edge of the school playground.
I’m sorry I wasn’t the perfect friend and that I didn’t get everything right, but I didn’t deserve this. I wish you’d of valued me enough to try and work this out, but I guess that’s not going to happen. I guess things change. I really wish they hadn’t, we’ve shared so much over the years and I would have always been there for you regardless of husbands or babies. I’d have always made room for you too.